DAN MAGERS — Disturbances of Sleep

1. i. The birth trauma is a prophetic event. Something strange or unsettling in a way that is difficult to explain or understand, familiarity mixed with unfamiliar—

19-year-old Emily Allison returned to her dorm from her biology class—

A flood of memories came rushing back— a vision of the ice age ten thousand years ago— interpreting the celestial bodies— like Betelgeuse, a red supergiant star located in the constellation of Orion, approximately 700 light-years away from Earth. Or the melting of the glaciers forming the Great Lakes in the wake of the last ice age. These heavier celestial elements also release energy, causing the star to expand and cool, making it appear redder in color. Circadian time – astronomical time – sidereal time – geologic time – cosmic time. Your natal chart is a snapshot of the sky at your birth, which is used in astrology to interpret your personality traits and life events. It is based on the position of the Sun, Moon, planets, and other celestial bodies in relation to the zodiac signs and houses— like a psychic destiny. Collective memory— forty generations ago, tracing a lineage back to the last ice age. Betelgeuse is currently in its final stages of life and is expected to undergo a supernova explosion in the relatively near future— this event will be visible from Earth and is expected to be one of the brightest objects in the sky for a short period of time, brighter than the sun. And the Sun is in Scorpio – suspicious, defiant. The birth trauma is a prophetic event— but what does it portend? ii. Prophesy, traumatic experience— natal sleep life flashing before eyes— In 1996, 19-year-old Emily Allison returns to her dorm room from her biology class. She pulled an all-nighter for final exam, and now she crawls into bed for a nap. Emily Allison crawled into bed after a long day of classes, ready to drift off to sleep. The college freshman was in her first semester at a large public college in college town in the middle of the state. Two hundred miles from home, the first time Emily has lived on her own. Her roommate already gone for the weekend. But now Emily goes down to sleep.

“But just as I was about to fall asleep, I realized I couldn't move. My eyes darted around the room in panic, but I couldn't scream for help.” “I felt a weight on my chest. I looked up and saw a dark, shadowy figure looming over me.” “I tried to move again, but the weight was too heavy.”

The uncanny— something strange or unsettling in a way that is difficult to explain or understand— life flashing before eyes— your natal chart is a snapshot of the sky at your birth— psychic destiny. Collective memory, like a global sporting event or watching people falling out of a burning building on television. A normal circadian rhythm is a 24-hour cycle that regulates various physiological and behavioral processes in the body— as the Moon circles the Earth and the Earth circles the Sun. And all the planets— like a wheel inside a wheel. the circadian rhythm has four stages: wakefulness, rapid eye movement sleep (REM), light non-REM sleep, and deep non-REM sleep. Awake, the body is alert and active. Light non-REM sleep is a transitional stage between wakefulness and deep sleep, while deep non-REM sleep is the restorative stage, in which the body repairs and regenerates itself. The REM stage is associated with dreaming and increased brain activity.

“something else is with me— “As my eyes adjust to the light, I see a shadowy figure hovering above me.”

iii. Bilocation is a phenomenon in which a person is said to be able to exist in two separate locations at the same time. There have been reports of saints who were said to have been in two places at once

“I was studying in the library, and I looked up and the boy was standing there. ‘You startled me!’ I cried.” “He smiled awkwardly but didn’t say anything. ‘Did you need more help?’ I asked, feeling kinda annoyed.”

St. Anthony of Padua who, in the year 1226, arrived in Rimini to combat a heresy— but witnesses in the city of Camposampiero, over 120 miles away, reported seeing him celebrating Mass.

“When I looked up again, he wasn’t there anymore.”

Or the power that transcends the boundaries of life and death.

“I had a weird feeling but didn’t think more about it at the time—I had a final to study for. I’m only now remembering—”

What does bilocation portend? But what if bilocation is used in malice?

"And the next day I told him straight out, “I'm here to be your writing tutor and to help you pass your English class. But I cannot be your girlfriend or have any type of personal relationship with you.”

But if it was I who appeared in your room? For it is me who is here with you right now. 2. i. At lunchtime of the day I knew I was going to get fired, I discovered a part of the old movie theater I’d never seen before – a large hallway, totally pitch black. Once a makeshift dressing room for when the theater did actual plays, now locked off, no one allowed. But I opened the door without activating the alarm. Entirely black. I don’t know what I was looking for. But the air compressed with history, the ghosts of people passing to and fro from the stage. Or a strange new-age lucid dreaming music plays that makes you think you are awake the longer you listen to it. But you actually are awake – your thoughts feel so weird to you. They feel like you are dreaming. And then someone turns directly to you and says, “the person behind you is watching you.” Or deep into the night of a sorority house party winding down. Just off the outskirts of campus, where most students live. Jill says, “I’m going upstairs to bed.” And the other young women gather cans, bottles, paper plates from the living room and pick up to the kitchen in the back, where they chat while emptying cans in the sink and wiping off surfaces. In the front of the apartment, a man furtively walks through the unlocked door and goes up to the second floor without anyone noticing. And soon they hear the bed creaking, and Nancy says, oh Alice must have someone in bed with her. And Emily answers, I don’t think it’s coming from Alice’s room. And later they realize Jill is missing.

“And I realize it could have been me—”

ii. Maladaptive daydreaming is a psychological phenomenon characterized by excessive and compulsive fantasizing that interferes with one's daily functioning and relationships. Individuals engage in vivid and immersive daydreams for prolonged periods, often using repetitive movements or pacing as a means of facilitating their fantasies. Or a disturbance of sleep. Fragmented sleep. Awake at night, walking around, daydreaming at night. All the dear hearts coming out at night. When the moon is in the fourth house— you long for true belonging and are restless in your search— under the moon of love. Or scopophilia, the love of looking. Scopophilia, or voyeurism, refers to the intense and persistent desire to observe others without their knowledge or consent, particularly in their private moments or intimate activities. It involves deriving pleasure or satisfaction from secretly watching others, often for sexual gratification. And then I saw myself in a mirror— going into myself.

“The figure vanished, and the outside was twilight. I couldn't shake the weird feeling while I got ready for the Sigma Phi party.”

The weight lifted from her chest, and the figure disappeared. To bisect one’s own self— across West Campus— or gazing into the mirror to see through your own image. Mirror gazing is a practice that involves staring into a mirror for extended periods of time to induce altered states of consciousness or explore one's inner self. Mirror gazing has been used in different cultural and spiritual traditions for various purposes, including self-reflection, divination, and accessing higher realms of consciousness. Going into myself to achieve self-transcendence— or the gaze that loves looking— turned upon oneself— like, for example, in Aztec ceremonies and religious practices, gazing into polished obsidian surfaces offered a means for high priests to establish a connection with the spiritual world. Ascend to an ancient art— at what point do you separate from yourself? Seeing yourself in the pitch-black movie theater, seeing through the pitch-black darkness to behold your own self doing things you cannot control. Or moving through the dark streets daydreaming, not able to sleep— college kids bound into Thursday night after spring semester exams, the import of summer in the crisp spring air. Or entering one of the houses as if in a dream, a house you have never entered before, but you pass by every day. iii. Autoscopy is the perceptual phenomenon in which an individual perceives a visual representation of themselves as if they are observing their own body from a different location. The surrounding environment is experienced from a disembodied perspective, as an external observer of one’s own self. From the ancient Greek αὐτός and σκοπός ("self" "watcher"), autoscopy manifests out of psychiatric conditions, neurological disorders, or altered states of consciousness. Cases are abundant in folklore, mythology, and spiritual narratives of most ancient and modern societies. To experience oneself as a non-mirroring real-time image that moves through space.

“I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. But there was nothing there.”

Or reaching self-transcendence— the moment when— your rising sign is associated with appearance, demeanor, first impressions of the world around you— and the descendant influences how you relate to others— waking up and I was looking down on myself sleeping in bed. I could feel the dorm’s popcorn ceiling against my back— But what if I woke up and could see myself looking down on myself? Or bilocation— A bisecting of oneself— pulled down from the ceiling to go take a walk on campus in the middle of the night.

“and when we realized Jill was missing, I realized it could have been me.”

Dan Magers's poetry book Partyknife (Birds, LLC) is described by musician Thurston Moore “as if poet-ghost adrift thru dressing rooms backstage taking notes…Writing poems like these is just as good as starting a band.” His writing has appeared in the Los Angeles Review of Books, Vice, The Notre Dame Review, Hyperallergic, and the PEN America blog, among other places. He lives in Chicago.